I Got A Vasectomy, And You Can Too

Vol. 17

Religious extremists haven’t managed to ban male contraception procedures, yet. And since birth control options for women are all pretty terrible, a vasectomy may be the right answer for men who don’t want to have children. I got one way back in 2019. Let me tell you how it went, and hopefully I can reduce the fear and misinformation that inexplicably surrounds the procedure. 

Honestly, the hardest part was shaving my balls. While I trim, I’d never before tried to shave them completely clean, and with all those wrinkles on such a sensitive area, the prospect was just downright intimidating. A texted a few friends. Griff told me to use cold water and be careful. Someone—I can’t remember who—told me to buy this electric razor. That was the better idea. It trims, and provides a close shave, all in one safe package that never once drew blood. You can opt to have a nurse do all this for you, but the idea of some overworked, underpaid guy taking a disposable razor to my nut sack—dry—was just too much. Allow at least an hour the night before. And definitely follow up with an astringent, so you don’t get ingrown hairs. 

I’m a little deaf from all these years of trucks, motorcycles, guns, and aircraft. So I think I misheard the part of the consultation where they offered me a valium to take a few hours ahead of the procedure. The nurse did at least give me one when I showed up. From there, I just stripped down, put on a gown, and climbed onto an operating table. 

The doctor walked in, and it turned out he’s a colleague’s brother, so we shot the shit for a while, then he got down to work. First he applied a local anesthetic, which didn’t burn at all, unlike some I’ve had in the past have. Then he just made a small incision on my scrotum—maybe a centimeter long, and then cut out a tiny little section of my vas deferens, before capping one side of it with a little titanium clamp. He repeated the procedure on the other side, before sewing the skin up. I honestly never felt a thing. Afterwards, I drove myself home, then sat on the couch, got high, and watched bad action movies. When I woke up the next day, it felt like someone had kicked me in the balls pretty good. That feeling dissipated over the next couple of days, just like it would had someone actually kicked me in the balls. 

I totally milked it, and got out of house chores for a few days, but there was really no need. The doctor told me I shouldn’t go hiking or hunting for at least a week after, just in case the movement caused the cuts to reopen. Seven days after the procedure I took a flight to Paris without issue. The whole thing was substantially easier than a teeth cleaning at the dentist. 

I’ve since gotten a lot of questions about the whole thing. Some of them are pretty weird. Just answering them plainly is probably the best way to share all this information. 

What happens to the sperm? It’s just reabsorbed into your body. You’re always doing this anyways, so there’s no potential for any long term side effects or anything. 

Do you still cum, and is it with the same volume and consistency? The only thing you’re changing is that the sperm are no longer included in your ejaculate. They were a small part of that anyways, so you’re not changing the volume or consistency or anything else about the white stuff that comes out of the end of your penis. 

One of my friends expressed concern that his cum would no longer be “thick and ropy.” I can assure you that it is not a problem. 

Does it reduce testosterone or reduce your sex drive? Again, all you’re doing is installing a road block between the spot where your sperm are made, and their destination. This does not have any relation at all to hormone production. You’ll still be a big, tough man, promise. 

Is it reversible? They made me sign a waiver ahead of time acknowledging the procedure as irreversible. I hear that’s possible, but not guaranteed. 

Will it reduce the size of your testicles? No. Apparently men are so obsessed with this there was an actual scientific study.

Can vasectomies cause prostate cancer? No. 

Can vasectomies cause testicular cancer? No. 

How much does a vasectomy cost? Mine was $1,600. At the time, I was paying about $500 a month for Blue Cross-Blue Shield. They promised me they’d cover the procedure above my $500 deductible, then sent me a bill for the total amount. I got the procedure in November, so when January came around, I switched to a different insurance provider as a result. Over a year later, they randomly sent me a check for $1,100. Fuck American health insurance. 

Is it unmanly? I reject the precious, wounded victim complex adopted recently by the American right. The right thing to do is to take responsibility for your own impact on the world, and to shoulder any burden you can remove from a fellow human. A vasectomy is an out-patient procedure with no side effects that can save the person you love from a multitude of negative outcomes. 

Is it worth it? No one likes wearing condoms. Do you like finishing inside? Do you like disposable income? Do you enjoy your freedom? Do you want to save the woman in your life from dealing with all manner of really harmful side effects--or a forced birth? Yeah, having a vasectomy is actually pretty sweet. 

Anything else you want to know? Leave a comment below and I’ll answer it honestly.